Why him??

Y'know what? I realized something. It's hard to do things on your own. There are some things I try to do (blog about my bible everyday, memorize James, pray more often, stuff like that) and it's just plain discouraging to feel like you're the only one doing those things. That's why I like going to Ron's office for prayer in the mornings- there are always people there- it's uplifting, times like that remind me that I'm not alone. I'm glad we're a body of Christians- that there are others- that I don't have to do everything all alone. I've been going back over the sermon on the mount in Matthew (Matthew 5-7 anyone who wants to memorize something, this is a great piece to memorize- do it with me!). But today I was reading in Acts about the conversion of Saul to Paul. When Paul is in Damascus (still blinded) the Lord speaks to one of his followers and tells him to go ask for Saul from Tarsus. His follower (Ananias) tries to tell God why it's a terrible idea.

Acts 9:15-16
But the Lord said to Ananias, "Go! This man is my chosen instrument to carry my name before the Gentiles and their kings and show the people of Israel. I will show him how much he must suffer for my name."

I wonder what went through Ananias' head as God told him that this despicable, saint-harming, arrester is His chosen instrument to carry his name. I think I would have been jealous- this man, Ananias, had obviously been faithful to God, the power of the Lord was upon him- yet the Lord chose such a terrible guy to represent His name. I might have wondered what was wrong with me, why God wouldn't use me in that way, or why I had to be responsible for helping the man so many followers feared and disliked... God just goes on to say that He will show Saul (Paul) how much he must suffer for His name. So Ananias goes and prays that he may see again and be filled with the Holy Spirit, he is and goes out to speak powerfully and prove that Jesus is the Christ. At first all the disciples were afraid of him and didn't really think he was a disciple, I can imagine that those feelings were a form of suffering for Jesus. His suffering increased as he grew in God and faith. I don't really understand why God didn't just use one of the many that were coming to Christ and truly following him- why didn't he use someone like Ananias or Barnabas in the role he gave to Paul instead?? Sure, the radical conversion of Paul really shows the glory of God, but this makes me wonder about my own testimony... it isn't radical- will God pluck a lost one from the sea of sin and work through that person more than he works through me, though I ask Him everyday to let his will come in my life? I suppose that's rather a selfish thing to ask, but still, I wish I understood God's ways better. In any case, I am grateful for all I've been given, and the chances to shine for Him that I do have, nothing else matters but to bring the most glory to God possible.